Etiquettes in the Bedroom

Answered by Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz (may Allah protect him and benefit us by him)

What are the etiquettes of a husband and wife in the bedroom?

The Prophet ﷺ taught us the correct etiquette for every situation and believers strive to abide by these etiquettes.

Before intercourse they should both recite the Prophetic dua:

بِاسْمِ اللَّهِ اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبْ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا

Bismillah. Allahumma jannibna’shaytan wa jannib ashaytan ma razaqtana

“In the name of Allah. O Allah, distance us from Satan and distance Satan from what You grant us”

Although the Shariah tells us that between husband and wife there is no part of the body which the other party is forbidden from seeing, they should avoid looking at the other’s private parts. Sayyidah Aishah said: “I never saw the Prophet’s private parts and he did not see mine”. They should both be covered by a sheet. They should speak pleasantly to each other. When the man feels that he is reaching climax he should recite in his heart and not with his tongue:

وَهُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ مِنَ الْمَاءِ بَشَرًا فَجَعَلَهُ نَسَبًا وَصِهْرًا ۗ وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ قَدِيرًا

It is He who creates human beings from fluid, then makes them kin by blood and marriage: your Lord is all powerful! (al-Furqan, 25:54)

One partner must never disclose any secrets about the other (especially with regard to the bedroom) to anyone. The Prophet ﷺ described this as a form of betrayal or disloyalty.

One of the most important inner etiquettes is that they both have in their hearts and minds only that which is pure and lawful. They should also have good intentions and be in a state of tranquillity and remembrance of Allah with their hearts. Imam al-Sha’rani: “My spiritual state when I am with my wife is the same as the state in which I enter the prayer”. This is the state of someone who has absolute presence with Allah. If that is the state of the Siddiqun (the people of absolute truthfulness) what does that tell us about the state of the Prophets and what does that tell us about the state of the Master of the Prophets ﷺ , the one who had the greatest knowledge of Allah and the most awareness and reverential fear of Him?

Selected Salawat: Seeking to be at One With the Messenger ﷺ

Habib Ali al-Habashi (may Allah have mercy upon him and allow us to benefit from him) teaches us to use this prayer to seek the pleasure of Allah and His Messenger ﷺ and to ask that our actions and intentions be so connected to the Prophet that they are at one with him. Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz placed this prayer in his Hadrah Badriyyah.

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وسَلِّمْ على سَيِّدِنا مُحَمَّدٍ ، صَلاةً تُرْضِيكَ وتُرْضِيهِ ، وتَنْطَوِي بِها أَعْمَالي ونِيَّاتي وحَرَكَاتي وسَكَناتي فِيه

Allahumma salli wa sallim `ala sayyidina Muhammad salatan turdika wa turdihi wa tantawi biha a`mali wa niyyaati wa harakaati wa sakanaati fih

O Allah, bestow Your prayers and peace upon our Master Muhammad, prayers which allow us to attain Your pleasure and his and cause my actions, intentions, movements and stillness to be enveloped in him.

Allow Your Emotions to Be Elevated

Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz (may Allah protect him and benefit us by him) calls us to allow our emotions to be elevated in order for us to taste the sweetness of faith and to be with Allah’s Beloved ﷺ

The Prophets, their Families and Companions and the angels are all party to intense feelings and emotions – emotions which are extremely lofty, noble, pure, divine, majestic and precious. These emotions constitute their connection to the Knower of all that is concealed, their love for Him and their seeking and receiving love from Him. They include complete submission to Him and love for His sake in order to receive His love. All the angels experience these emotions from the greatest of them down to the least of them, as do the Prophets and Messengers and their Families and Companions and followers and their leader and imam, Muhammad ﷺ.

But whatever love they have for each other for Allah’s sake cannot be compared to the love contained in the heart of the Beloved, the Chosen One. There is only one reason for this: that he is the one who knows Allah better than all of them. Since he knows Allah best, his love for Allah is more intense than all those who love for Allah’s sake. This is why Allah says: the Prophet is more caring towards the believers than they are to their own selves (al-Ahzab, 33:6).

Allah describes him as being extremely perturbed by the hardships you suffer, as being absolutely concerned for your welfare: a Messenger has come to you; grievous to him is your suffering; immensely concerned is he for you.. (al-Tawbah, 9:128) What is this verse telling us? It is saying look at your feelings towards My Beloved. Do you love anyone more than him? No one can be compared to him regarding the care and concern he has for this Ummah in this life and even after he passed from this life: “My life is best for you and my death is best for you.” How? In his life he showed people the path when things happened to them. After his death he said: “Your actions are displayed to me. I praise Allah for any good I find, and if I find other than that, I seek Allah’s forgiveness for you.” He did not say “if I find evil”. Out of his compassion he chose not to attribute evil to us. Instead he said: “If I find other than that..”

You are being invited to allow your feelings and emotions to be elevated. Iblis and his forces are competing in this. They want to control our emotions so that we venerate things and people who should not be venerated; so that we love people who are not beloved to Allah and so that we commemorate things which have no value in the sight of Allah and His Messenger.

The Prophet told us that with our emotions we will taste the sweetness of faith. We will taste that sweetness when Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to us than everything else.. Everything else, including Paradise. Had Paradise been more beloved to them, then Thawban would not have cried and neither would some of the other Companions. Paradise with its everlasting bliss was not more beloved to them than seeing the Prophet! They were unable to bear the thought of not seeing him!

Allah knew their sincerity and gave them the good tidings of being with the one they loved: Whoever obeys Allah and the Messenger will be with those who Allah has blessed: the Prophets, the Siddiqun, martyrs and the pious – and what blessed company that is! This is purely from the bounty of Allah (al-Nisa, 4:69).

If you read this verse, you notice He did not mention Paradise or any of its pleasures. All He mentions is being with.. This is the highest pleasure of Paradise. These are the loftiest emotions that can be experienced.

The Best of Creation clarified things when he said: “None of you believe until I am more beloved to that person than his children, his parents and all people.” We ask Allah to bear witness to our joy at your Prophet and all that he taught. Allow us to live our lives with these noble feelings and emotions so that we meet You in the best of states.

Seek Forgiveness for the Believing Men and Women

Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz (may Allah protect him and benefit us by him) marvels at Allah’s command to His Beloved ﷺ to seek forgiveness for the believing men and women and the Beloved’s request for us to do the same.

Be certain that there is no deity except Allah and seek forgiveness for your sins and for the sins of believing men and women (Muhammad, 47:19). In this we observe Your mercy and compassion for the believing men and women as You address Your servant, the one You made absolutely compassionate and merciful to the believers. You say to him, “seek forgiveness for them, ask Me to forgive them, for I wish to forgive them. Turn to them, intercede for them and act as their intermediary, for you are the most beloved of all My creation to Me.”

Allah says to the one He loves the most: “Seek forgiveness for the believing men and women.” This is an amazing manifestation of Allah’s compassion and mercy for the believing men and women! Before we even gathered together and sought His forgiveness, Allah said to the greatest of all leaders: “Seek forgiveness for them – those who live in your time and those who will come after you. The subtle manifestations of My will have preceded such that I show mercy to them with the most noble of My creation in My sight acting as an intermediary: and seek forgiveness for your sins and for the sins of believing men and women. And he duly sought forgiveness for us.

Every day and night he would seek forgiveness for the believing men and women and he commanded all those who love him and follow him to do the same along with him: “Whoever seeks forgiveness for the believing men and women every day twenty-seven times will be among those whose prayers are answered and those by whom the people of the earth receive provision and rain.” (Tabarani)

If the person who responds to the Prophet’s invitation to do this becomes someone whose prayers are answered and someone by whom the people of the earth receive provision and rain, then what about the Prophet himself? Just by following the Prophet, obeying his command and seeking forgiveness for believing men and women, this person receives something directly from the Prophet. He attains such a state in Allah’s sight that through him provision, rain and goodness is apportioned. But what about the source of all this – the Prophet himself? The individual follower reaches this state as a result of the Prophet. What does this tell us about the station of Muhammad in the sight of the King of Kings?

Extracts from a talk delivered in Dar al-Mustafa, 18th Shawwal 1440

In order to act upon the hadith we should say 27 times every day:

أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللهَ لِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ والمؤمِنَات

Astaghfirullaha lil-mu’minina wa’l-mu’minat

I seek forgiveness for the believing men and women

A Short Prayer Upon the Prophet ﷺ

Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz was asked for a simple prayer upon the Prophet ﷺ that it is easy to recite consistently

He advised reciting this prayer which he received from his teacher, Habib Muhammad bin `Alawi bin Shihab:

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وسَلِّمْ على سَيِّدِنا مُحَمَّدٍ النَّبِيِّ الأُمِّي بِعَدَدِ عِلْمِك

Allahumma salli wa sallim `ala sayyidina Muhammad annabiyyi’l ummi bi `adadi `ilmik

O Allah, bestow prayers and peace upon our Master Muhammad, the Unlettered Prophet according to the extent of Your knowledge.

Selected Salawat: Prayers Which Bring Life to My Soul

This prayer upon the Prophet ﷺ was composed by Habib Ali al-Habashi (may Allah have mercy upon him and benefit us by him)

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وسَلِّمْ على سَيِّدِنا مُحَمَّدٍ ، صَلاةً تَحْيَا بِها رُوحِي و تَنْشَطُ بِها جَوارِحي و يَقْوَى بِها قَلْبِي و يَسْرِي سِرُّها في أَوْلادِي و أَهْلِي و أَصْحَابي و أَكونُ بِها سَعِيداً مَسْعوداً

Allahumma salli wa sallim `ala sayyidina Muhammad salatan tahya biha ruhi wa tanshatu biha jawarihi wa yaqwa biha qalbi wa yasri sirruha fi awladi wa ahli wa ashabi wa akunu biha sa`idan mas’uda

O Allah, bestow Your prayers and peace upon our Master Muhammad, prayers which bring life to my soul, energy to my body and strength to my heart. May the secret of these prayers reach my children, my family and my companions and by them may I attain absolute felicity.

Victories and Openings from the Isra and Mi`raj

Habib Ali al-Jifri (may Allah protect him and benefit us by him) tells us how victories and openings come through learning about the Isra and Mi`raj. Extracts from a talk delivered at Majelis Rasulullah in Jakarta, Indonesia on the night of the Isra and Mi`raj, Rajab 1439.

The key to attaining divine gifts is showing mercy. When the Prophet ﷺ showed mercy to the people of Ta’if, even though he could have asked for their destruction, Allah bestowed upon him the greatest of gifts on the night of the Mi`raj.

The Prophet ﷺ made his Isra from Makkah, which at that time was the centre of the struggle between truth and falsehood. He went to Masjid al-Aqsa which is now the centre of the struggle between truth and falsehood. Just as the Prophet was given victory in Makkah, likewise victory will be given in Masjid al-Aqsa. If we see how difficult the situation is in Palestine now, we recall how difficult the situation was then in Makkah in the time of the Prophet ﷺ . Victory eventually came in Makkah to people whose hearts had absolute love for the Prophet. Victory will be given in Palestine to people whose hearts have absolute love for the Prophet.

On the day the Prophet ﷺ was given victory in Makkah, he ordered his army not to disturb a dog which was nursing its puppies. This was an army whose soldiers’ hearts were filled with prophetic mercy. In our times armies have no regard for human life, let alone animal life. The army that will be given victory at the end of time must be made up of those whose hearts are filled with mercy. They cannot be people who encourage others to blow up innocent civilians.

Method of Seeing the Prophet ﷺ – Habib Ahmad Mashhur al-Haddad

Sayyid Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Ahmad Mashhur al-Haddad narrates that his grandfather, Habib Ahmad Mashhur al-Haddad (may Allah have mercy upon him and benefit us by him), gave permission for the following to be recited in order to see the Prophet ﷺ.

Recite this verse of the Burdah of Imam al-Busiri followed by any prayer upon the Prophet ﷺ. Repeat this ten times:

نَعَمْ سَرَى طَيْفُ مَنْ أَهْوَى فَأَرَّقَني

وَ الْحُبُّ يَعْتَرِضُ اللَّذَّاتِ باِلأَلَمِ

Na`am sara tayfu man ahwa fa arraqani

Wa’l-hubbu ya`taridu’l-ladhdhati bi’l-alami

Yes, a vision of the one I love came to me by night, and I could not sleep,

Oh, how love hinders the tasting of delight with its suffering

A second method Habib Ahmad mentioned was to go bed on Thursday night in a state of complete purity and to recite the same verse of the Burdah once followed by this prayer upon the Prophet ﷺ seven times:

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ على سَيِّدِنا مُحَمَّدٍ حَبِيبِ الرَّحْمَن وسَيِّدِ الأكْوَان الحاضِر مَعَ مَنْ صَلَّى عَلَيْهِ في كُلِّ زَمَان ومَكان

Allahumma salli `ala sayyidina Muhammadin habibirrahman wa sayyidi’l-akwan al-hadir ma` man salla `alayhi fī kulli zaman wa makan

O Allah, bestow Your blessings upon our Master Muhammad, the Beloved of the All Merciful, the master of all creation, the one who is present with whoever bestows prayers upon him in every time and place.

Understanding the Opening Verses of Surat `Abasa

He frowned and turned away when the blind man came to him – perhaps that he might be purified or take note of something useful to him. For the self-satisfied one you go out of your way – though you are not to be blamed for his lack of spiritual growth – but from the one who has come to you full of eagerness and awe you turn away. Surely this is a great lesson for those who wish to learn, [written] on honoured, exalted, pure pages, by the hands of noble and virtuous scribes. [`Abasa, 80:1-16]

The opening verses of Surat `Abasa are understood by most Qur’anic commentators to be a type of reproach (albeit gentle) from Allah to His Prophet ﷺ for not giving priority to ‘the Blind Man’, when he approached the Prophet seeking knowledge. Habib Umar bin Hafiz (may Allah benefit us by him), however, gives a different perspective on the verses and shows us that the Prophet ﷺ made the correct choice and behaved in an exemplary fashion.

These verses reflect the strong desire of the Prophet ﷺ to convey the message. This led him to focus all his energy and attention on someone who opposed him and did not believe in him despite the fact that had he not done so, it would not have harmed him. In doing so he went against both what he and people in general are accustomed to do doing, namely welcoming and giving attention to those that love and support them. At the same time, he was mildly displeased with a believer (the blind man) due to the inappropriate manner of his questioning even though he was seeking to benefit. Normally the Prophet ﷺ would not find such a question burdensome especially when it was coming from someone who believed in him and loved him. He thus frowned and turned away from the believer (which was something he would not do naturally) in order to teach him the correct etiquette and to instil in him concern for saving disbelievers from the Fire. Allah then informed the Prophet that He was pleased with his actions: he might be purified or take note of something useful to him and that he and others will learn the etiquettes of asking questions.

Allah says to His Beloved ﷺ: you go against your own nature to focus on someone who is opposed to you even though had you not done so and had they not accepted Islam, it would not have been to your detriment. As for the one who came to you seeking you, you turned away from him even though it is human nature to welcome such a person. You went against human nature out of mercy for Allah’s slaves in the hope that they be guided. So what you did is a reminder for those who attempt to emulate you: This is a lesson from which those who wish to be taught should learn, [written] on honoured, exalted, pure pages, by the hands of noble and virtuous scribes.

May Allah enable us to follow his example.

How Should Kohl be Used?

Answered by Sayyidi Habib Umar bin Hafiz (may Allah protect him and benefit us by him)

How should kohl be used?

Kohl is a sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ . It is recommended to apply it before going to sleep. The best type of kohl is called ithmid. It should be applied three times in the right eye and three times in the left eye, similar to the way the hands and feet are washed during wudu. There is a weaker opinion that it should be applied three times to the right eye and twice to the left eye so that the total number of times that it is applied is an odd number.